January 2nd, 2005

08:08 pm - "Yo' name is Toby!" After a straight week of voluntary, psychological slavery at the hands of my suit-wearing masters at the popcorn plantation, I am finally a free man. 2005 must be my year of Jubilee. So far, I have spent the year in my bed, sleeping, reading, and listening to music. Because the recent stressful events of my life have now passed (email me if you really want to know), my face is beginning to clear up (For a while my complexion resembled a hooker's frontal region). Hopefully, by the time I venture out into the real world again, I will be looking poppin' fresh in my newish threads--they're straight up gangsta. I've noticed that I appear to be developing muscle mass and gaining strength in my upper body, even though I haven't exercised in almost two years (when my Kung Fu days were ended up a tragic stage-set accident). Perhaps I have been working out in my sleep? More than likely, my body is simply beginning to understand that if it wants to be in good shape, it'd better do it by itself, because I sure as hell aren't about to lift a finger. Tomorrow--Spend a morning with the family, then calling a certain individual to make plans that hopefully will not be broken. Devigenia. Current Mood: a little woozy Current Music: "I'm your toy" by Elvis Costello

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December 22nd, 2004

04:46 pm - Santa's gonna be extra good to me this year... 'cause I've been EXTRA good to him! Happy Holidays...God bless!

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01:05 pm - 30% off sale at Irony Land ...because nothing screams "free thinker" like a copywritten slogan on a bumper sticker. Current Mood: wtf? Current Music: "When I was cruel" by Elvis Costello

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December 21st, 2004

06:01 pm - Where have all the children gone? I just realized that there are no children in any of the Grand Theft Auto games. In GTA: San Andreas, I have murdered prostitutes, bikers, construction workers, businessmen, and Asian women...all in cold blood. But when was the last time a prostitute kicked the back of your seat on an airplane? How many construction workers have thrown tantrums in the table adjacent to your's at Eat n' Park? And have you ever wanted to kill an Asian women (besides when they drive 20 miles under the speed limit with their left turn signals on)? Rockstar needs to get their priorities straight (ESRB ratings be damned!) and let me pop a cap in a little tee-ball player's ass. Current Mood: naughty Current Music: Los Santos Radio

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December 20th, 2004

09:48 pm - Bottomless Bowl of Nookie Coupons Bored as hell...just thought I'd introduce you to some of my favorite political commentators. 1. Jonah Goldberg http://www.nationalreview.com/goldberg/goldberg-archive.asp Quick-witted, intelligent, and straight-from-the-hip, he is (in my opinion) the best advocate for conservative thought of our time. I sincerely hope he replaces Safire as the Times' token conservative columnist (not bloody likely). 2. William Safire http://www.nytimes.com/top/opinion/editorialsandoped/oped/columnists/williamsafire/ This guy's a journalistic dinosaur, and while he might not be the best act for conservatives to follow (he endorsed Clinton in 1992, enough said), he provides a voice of integrity, wisdom, and legitimacy that reaches across the aisle, and picks up converts. Plus, for any conservative who's a fan of the New York Times (like myself), he's an oasis of common sense in the chaotic sea of liberalism that is the Op-Ed page. 3. Bill O'Reilly http://www.nydailynews.com/news/ideas_opinions/story/263602p-225713c.html A complete douchebag with a heart of gold, his unique opinions set him apart from the other knee-jerk liberal pundits on cable tv. Plus, the whole vibrator incident was hilarious. 4. Christopher Hitchens http://slate.msn.com/?id=3944&cp=2073766 A radical liberal and a devoted atheist, he (like many liberals after 9/11) had the balls to spit in the face of his leftist peers and become one of the most fierce and outspoken advocates of the Bush Doctrine in the American media. His patriotism is infectious, his analysis is honest, and his political incorrectness is refreshing. 5. William F. Buckley Jr. http://www.nationalreview.com/buckley/buckley-archive.asp Do I even need to explain myself? He's William F. Fucking Buckley! I hate everybody else in the media...now go away, there's nothing more to see here. Current Mood: why not? Current Music: "Scoobidy Bob Lubidy Wa-Waahh" by Dave Matthews Band

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December 17th, 2004

01:54 am - If absurd, naive liberalism were AIDS... ...college campuses would be sub-Sahara African nations. Just for shits and giggles, here are some of the most absurd statements I have heard from students at Penn State Beaver during my first semester. 1. On gun control: "Why can't cops just have guns?" Why, that's a BRILLIANT idea! While we're at it, let's just ban the sale of fire extinguishers to citizens, because putting out a fire is a fireman's (err...firefighters job! To people like this, the Constitution isn't the sacred document that binds our society to the ideals of our Founding Fathers, it's a mere obstacle in their quest to turn America into a quasi-socialist society. 2. On a high school teacher who discriminates against conservatives: "Dude, that's awesome!" Remember kids, it's only censorship if it's done by a conservative. I don't remember exactly who said this, but I hope he slips and falls face-first into a puddle of Magic Johnson's semen. 3. On fair trade: I only buy clothes at Goodwill, because I don't want to give money to companies who exploit the poor." Of course, why give money to those companies when you can do it yourself? Stores like Goodwill were established to provide clothing, shoes, and winter coats to the less fortunate in our society (without the use of taxpayers' money). They're not giant clearance racks for scumbags like yourself who are saving money for an abortion. 4. On the 2004 election: "I don't know why the country is so divided...there's really only one choice." Well, sweetheart...some of us believe that defeating Radical Islam is the great calling of our generation, and that this can only be done by reforming the culture of the Middle East. Some of us believe that a brutal dictator- who tried to assassinate two former presidents (Daddy Bush and Bubba), invaded a neighboring country, used chemical weapons on his own population, lobbed scud missiles at Israel for no strategic reason, had American planes shot at on a daily basis, sponsored terrorism, awarded suicide bombers, and had clear intentions to revive WMD programs (as confirmed the the Kay and Duelfer reports)-should not remain in power. And as we saw on November 2nd, the majority of the country agrees with us. 5. On the 2004 election results: "We're becoming a theocracy." No, if we were becoming a theocracy, I would cover your god-awful face with a burqua and make you cook me dinner. I've had enough for tonight...I'm going with a friend to the Beth Samuel Jewish Center tomorrow to buy some dradels and star of david keychains (they have a gift shop!). Shalom. Current Mood: irate Current Music: Do I have to listen to fucking music everytime I post?

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December 13th, 2004

02:14 pm - Hop in, kids! Where I will be in the year 2014 (school assignment): Where will I be ten years from now? While nobody can predict the future, I would have to hypothesize that if I am not dead or on drugs, I will most likely be living in a northeastern city trying to make ends meet. Despite my Master's degree in the liberal arts, I am not the hottest commodity on the job market. I have landed a job in an inner city school, teaching history to illiterate seventeen year olds while trying to convince them to throw their heroin needles in the garbage can (where they belong) and not on the floor. I drive a Honda Accord, because I was tired of having pipe bombs heaved into the bed of my Ford truck. Despite my lack of teaching credentials and the incredibly low test scores of my students, I am payed a hefty salary for having the grapes to come to class every day. I live in a small flat in the nice part of town, and the antics of my neighbors (20-something dot-commers) are constantly getting me all riled up...with hilarious consequences. The girl down the hall has a huge crush on me, but alas, she's only fourteen. Oh well, she'll be legal in a few years. My hobbies include watching hockey (alone), going to movies (alone), binge eating (and subsequent vomiting), and crying into my pillow for hours on end, and telling myself it's just comfortable that way. I hope I get an "A." Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: "City of Blinding Lights" U2

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December 12th, 2004

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